An Example of Professional Coaching in Action
by Laura Cooley [pdf of this article]
One of my favorite things to do is one-on-one coaching. I usually start out with simple conversation to get to know the person. I am looking for their communication style, what drives them, and what is important to them. We discuss their vision and goals. We discuss what supports their efforts and what holds them back. Each conversation uncovers something to work on until we meet again. During our next meeting we discuss the results, adjust approach, and uncover more to tackle. It is not unusual to see thematic issues that need focused and intentional attention/discussion. What follows is an example of the power of one-on-one coaching; it shows how the best coaching experiences are a two-way street.
Recently, while coaching a high-level executive, I noticed the pains this person described during each call began to look like symptoms of a very low trust environment so I asked my client if he would be interested in a book I had read several years ago and wished I had done so earlier in my career: The Speed of Trust by Stephen M.R. Covey. He agreed and we began. We broke up the book into small assignments for ourselves and used the material as a springboard for bi-weekly conversations. We discussed excerpts that stood out for each of us and worked out how to apply ideas which resonated with us in the real-world. These discussions led to deeper meaning and insight than either of us had while reading the book independently. It allowed us to transform ideas from the book into something of our own. We each continue to realize increased returns from our time invested reading individually and discussing collectively.
When the whole is greater than the sum of the parts; you have synergy
As I continued my reading to prepare for each call, I noticed some patterns in the way the book is written. There is a series of chapters that itemize 13 Behaviors that impact trust. In each chapter the author notes principles upon which each behavior is based. Tangentially, I also do consulting to help people better define, elocute, and realize vision at an organizational and team level. One of the first steps is to get everyone on the same page with core values. This can be surprisingly difficult it often takes multiple conversations to gain agreement on just 3 – 5 core values to drive everything else in the organization. I thought, hey, maybe listing these out these principles will help me facilitate others to identify core values. I went through each behavior chapter and listed the principles I found:
Honesty
Integrity
Straightforwardness
Respect
Fairness
Kindness
Love
Civility
Intrinsic Worth of Individuals
Openness
Authenticity
Humility
Restitution
Loyalty
Gratitude
Recognition
Responsibility
Accountability
Performance
Continuous Improvement
Learning Change
Courage
Awareness
Clarity
Stewardship
Ownership
Understanding
Mutual Benefit
Empowerment
Reciprocity
Fundamental belief that most people are capable of being trusted, want to be trusted, and will run with trust when it is extended to them.
Nice list. Long list. Can’t disagree with any of them for myself. In fact, there isn’t one of them that I would say is not a principle I share. Granted, each gets difficult depending on what is going on but; then again, I do belong to Club Human. Moving on.
In a business sense: Core values are a short list of 3 – 5 shared principles driving all organizational decisions: hiring, promotions, performance reviews, client selection, project selection, initiatives, prioritization, etc. They are non-negotiable or they are not core values/principles.
Over the next few days, I kept thinking about that list. I went back to The Speed of Trust and listed each of the 13 Behaviors:
1. Talk Straight
2. Demonstrate Respect
3. Create Transparency
4. Right Wrongs
5. Show Loyalty
6. Deliver Results
7. Get Better
8. Confront Reality
9. Clarify Expectations
10. Practice Accountability
11. Listen First
12. Keep Commitments
13. Extend Trust
Also a nice list. I went on to draw a line connecting each behavior to the principles upon which they are based. Honestly, I was looking for “bang for the buck”. Which principles and/or behaviors would I discuss with my client to help him gain the largest returns and most immediate impact? What immediate actions could he take to start strengthening his most painful and dysfunctional working relationships? After a few hours, I still couldn’t put this thought out of my mind; my preparation felt incomplete. I went back to the book and started to add the “counterfeits” (false actions/attitudes) for each behavior to my list. This exercise provoked many additional thoughts as I continued expanding my notes. I started to get excited about what I was seeing and became more and more curious about what his thoughts were going to be.
Those last additions to my notes allowed me to feel satisfied with my preparation to have a good discussion with my client. Hurray! I was also feeling a little smug; after all, I was able to take the book and get much deeper insight than what was simply on the page. I hoped he was doing the same deep reading. (Imagine me patting myself on the back; not practicing humility at all.)
Our meeting came and we began. He volunteered that he had taken one of the book’s quizzes so we discussed his results. I was impressed at his candor and honesty when he volunteered to focus on the lowest scores he gave himself. He started with the 2’s out of 5. He shared examples of thoughts and behaviors influencing his self-evaluation for each item. It was while discussing his score of 2 in response to:
He told me, “It pains me to say it, but I was being brutally honest with myself as I took this quiz, I gave myself a 2 (even though it should probably have been more like a 1 ½ ) to the item Deep down, I believe that if someone else gets something, that means I don’t.“ He proceeded to give an example of going all-out, year after year, to decorate his aging parent’s house for Christmas. He shared that he has always felt miffed that none of his siblings ever thanked him. As we talked more, he began to wonder if they even knew of his efforts, he said: “I never told anyone I was the one doing all the work, I think they assumed it was my parents and I never corrected them.” This is when the conversation really took a turn—the turn I want to share. This is what did it, I asked: “Doesn’t this remind you a lot of a ‘victim mentality’?” Silence. Then he said, “Oh…it does.” More silence. There was some hesitation on both our parts…we were both thinking about what had been said. I don’t know who said the word martyr first, but it shed some blinders and sparked a new level of self-awareness.
The title Martyr Mode was born. We discussed this state of mind in detail until making several conclusions. When we self-righteously become a martyr, we are really choosing to be a “victim”. We were both a little stunned that we were guilty of this attitude on more than one occasion—maybe even habitually. We talked about how this clouds our judgement and sabotages our ability to strengthen relationships; how it just takes us further and further down and (ugh!) we do it to ourselves.
“Martyr Mode” is now; and forever in the future, going to be capitalized as the name of an unwelcome guest for me.
As we talked, the list of principles I had prepared were in front of me. The words in the list caught my attention in a new way. I started at the top with “Honesty” and thought: When I am in Martyr Mode am I being honest? Well, no--I am not being honest with myself in that state of mind. It can’t be true that if someone else gets something, then I am not. Next on the list: Integrity. Am I showing integrity in Martyr Mode? Well, if I am not executing trust-building behaviors to my best ability, then I am not acting with integrity. Uh-oh! Integrity is on my short list as one of my core-core-core values! Obviously, this is revealing a problem. I shared my thoughts with my client and then we continued to go through the list together. We read the listed principles, asking ourselves: can a person be their “best self” (straightforward, respectful, fair, kind, etc.) when in Martyr Mode? We came to this realization: that one state of mind--Martyr Mode, directly corrupts those principles; all of them, in different ways, and to various degrees. That corruption has a direct negative impact on our ability to behave in ways that build trust:
1. Talk Straight
2. Demonstrate Respect
3. Create Transparency
4. Right Wrongs
5. Show Loyalty
6. Deliver Results
7. Get Better
8. Confront Reality
9. Clarify Expectations
10. Practice Accountability
11. Listen First
12. Keep Commitments
13. Extend Trust
The victim mentality/Martyr Mode is like a self-imposed disability. When we choose to think from our Martyr Mode, we are placing an impediment on our capacity to meet a daily intention to build trust because we are not being trust-worthy when we are in that state of mind. We might even be employing those counterfeit behaviors. Wow. Pause. There is the “bang for the buck”! There is the priority for personal behavior change.
We each took an assignment from that conversation…stop allowing Martyr Mode in the door. Be more present and aware so we can stop it before it starts. Figure out what thoughts we have and words we use that harken its arrival then actively challenge our perspective to better self-regulate and change our attitude.
We have our next meeting in 2 weeks. I am looking forward to hearing what is working / not working for him. I am curious what he will decide to stop, start, or continue as he builds his personal and professional development and growth plan.
I share this experience because I believe coaching/mentoring is a two-way street that has the potential to greatly impact both parties. This example illustrates my stance: neither one of us came anywhere near these ideas on our own.
Final Note: If we want our culture to change we must start with ourselves. We must be purposeful as we seek to improve. We need to continually look for new ideas and inspiration from all sources because we don’t know what we don’t know; we can’t fix something if we can’t see it or if we don’t know it is broken. This is just a single example the circular nature of the influence attitudes and behaviors have on each other.
Our mindset drives our behaviors while our behaviors reflect our attitudes.
When we are part of a team/organization/family,
these collective behaviors create and drive the culture.
Laura Cooley is a 25 year veteran of the construction industry. She is an independent coach, consultant, and trainer helping those who need to redesign strategy & leadership skills to improve results. Laura provides leadership training, coaching, facilitation, partnering, and operational strategy consulting to individuals, teams, and businesses in all industries. At its best, professional coaching facilitates the unveiling of new ideas and/or nuances to inspire change leading to growth. The experience should highlight attitudes which support or hinder your “best self”. The “coach” should help you develop actions and behaviors to which you are willing and able to hold yourself accountable and responsible. Are you interested in one-on-one coaching with Laura? CLICK HERE
Connect with Laura on Linked-In. Who knows, maybe there will be additional unconventional notes and crazy insights to share.